Day 100...Does the Pope shit in the woods? -4th of October

We were supposed to get up early and see the pope make his Wednesday morning speech. It was dark and the bed snuggly, so we slept in instead! We would have gone if it was the previous pope– when he was so wheezy he couldn’t speak and we could laugh at him. This new one is a bit too sprightly and creepy for our liking.

We headed later on to Vatican City. It is an independent principality with its own post, Swiss army guards, currency, TV and radio station, newspaper, medical service etc. When we got there, the cops and crowds were still there from the Popes appearance this morning (we missed him by about 15 minutes.) The line for St Peters Basilica was over 2 hours long! We got hit up by a walk tour tout, and accepted. 1. so we could beat the line and 2. so we would know what we were looking at!

The tour made us hate the Catholics more than we already did. Before I start ranting – let me say I like Catholics as a person, the idea is very nice. But Catholicism as an institution drives us bugshit! We started the tour via the Vatican museums (walking past gypsies trying to pickpocket you. They were carrying babies covered in sheets and had the babies strapped to them underneath. Then they would try and get into your stuff with the arm you thought was carrying the baby. Dirty bastards). The Sistine Chapel is at the end of the museums. Going through the museums? Man, the Vatican has plundered an awful amount of stuff throughout the centuries. There was a courtyard to begin, called pinecone courtyard with a 4000 Etruscan pinecone sculpture. We got promptly rained on there, so went straight inside to the museum. There were many sculptures and tapestries etc etc. One pope thought genitals were rude, so ordered all the sculptures to have their ‘bits’ smashed off, therefore ruining millions of dollars of priceless work. We saw sculptures of Greek and roman figures, including Hadrian (I’m really starting to like this guy. We are seeing him everywhere), and Diana the fertility goddess wearing bulls testicles. There were Etruscan pieces, Egyptian pieces you name it! There was a massive marble vomitorium which we thought pretty cool. In the old roman days, the senators used to feast and feast, then go to the vomitorium and chuck it all up so they could feast some more. Charming! (Then probably rape the catering staff and small boys after as well, but it’s a party right?)

One thing that really shitted us off was a section of massive block sculptures made out of precious red stone. A square centimeter of the stuff is worth 12,000 euro! And the Vatican owns 80% of the world’s total amount! It made the donation boxes – which were placed everywhere – really hypocritical and we were disgusted. The stuff throughout the museum is worth millions and millions. What about being humble? Helping the poor? Why ask us for money for donations you sanctimonious pricks?? But I digress…
There was the ruins of a sculpture in there which was now just a torso – but Michelangelo loved it so much, it is influenced in a lot of his paintings – you can see this in the Sistine Chapel.

We went via numerous tapestries, then via the highly colourful ‘map’ room. Through the museum too was some interesting painting done in a French style where it looks 3D. So one roof looked geometrical like the Pantheon – but it was just paint! From there, we went into the lodgings and administrative area (former) with the walls covered in frescoes. Now frescoes are tricky things.. The paint is added while the plaster is still wet, so it becomes part of the plaster and lasts longer. So the trick is to make sure you’ve added the right amount of wet plaster to paint with enough time before it dried (including rectifying any mistakes). Otherwise you’d have to do it over again.

The Raphael rooms were cool – there was a famous painting I recognized. I thought it was an actual painting though – not a room fresco! Called ‘La Scuola d’ Atene’ (that’s ‘school of Athens’ to you). It had all the bigwigs in it: Leonardo da Vinci (doing his upright John the Baptist finger thing), Aristotle, Plato, Galileo, Pythagoras and Raphael himself – peering out at us from the edge. Michelangelo he added later, as he was impressed by his works in the Sistine Chapel. As Nate and I looked for him, we were expecting an old dude, but he was young! Dressed in purple and wearing boots that he always wore. (Apparently he only washed once every 6 months, or changed his clothes and was a big loner. Raphael had lots of employees and friends who finished one of this rooms for him when he got a cold and died.)

Would you like to hear another bit of crap Pope-ry? The Popes back in the day were hedonistic and had their faces used for famous and religious figures. Well, one pope was a cardinal when Raphael was painting a scene on the wall. He had his face placed on a famous figure on the left side and the current Pope was the central figure. But when the pope died and the cardinal became pope, he was so narcissistic that HE wanted to be the main figure, and forced Raphael to paint his face over the old popes. So his face is in the painting twice! Fucker.

Anyways, we then went via the modern art room, which was mainly crap but had some Dali in it. We were a bit delayed when a fat sweaty woman who was part of our tour group fell down a flight of marble stairs. She split her elbow and bonked her head, but joined us (still sweating) in the chapel later.

The story of the Sistine Chapel is this: the roof used to be painted with stars. The Pope of the time ordered Michelangelo to make some sculptures for his tomb. Halfway through, he changed his mind but didn’t pay Michelangelo for over a years work! We saw those unfinished sculptures in Florence remember? Well, later on he ordered Michelangelo to paint the Sistine Chapel. Not surprisingly, Michelangelo was safely ensconced in Florence (independent to Rome) and told him to fuck off. Also – Michelangelo was a sculpture. He had never done a fresco, except when he was tutored at 13. The Pope, being a self-righteous bastard ordered military troops to Florence and made Michelangelo do it. And get this!!! He made Michelangelo pay for all his own materials to do it! Isn’t the pope supposed to be exemplary of Christian love and compassion and charity? Hmmm something’s gone incredibly wrong here, to coin a Nathan phrase. I just want to say that I think the pope is an obtuse shit. All of them. Now that I’ve got that out, I’ll continue. Because Michelangelo had to pay for his own stuff, the roof of the Sistine Chapel is quite lighter in colour and less bright than the wall he painted in later years (when there was a nicer pope). For the Last Judgment painting on the wall, Michelangelo used Lapis Lazuli which is expensive and a much brighter blue.

With the roof of the Sistine Chapel, the first few blocks have many figures in them. Then Michelangelo realized you could hardly see them, so he resorted to larger figures. (He hadn’t done frescoes before remember?)
When we were inside the Chapel – it was so crowded! There was a constant rumbling, despite the repetitive shush and clap of the guards. The roof did look lovely, and we pondered the famous central piece – the one of Adam and god touching fingers. Was God surrounded by a brain, or a uterus cross-section? And who was the lady next to god?

We weren’t allowed to take photos and there were undercovers everywhere. You can’t even take a photo without a flash the tight bastards! I stole one anyway (ha HAH) of the roof, but was discouraged from doing the wall painting of The Last Judgment when I saw a guy get hauled out of the room by security. Hmmm.
The Last Judgment was a much more vivid colour, and it had many saints including one that was skinned, one that was BBQ’ed, one that was squashed by a wheel etc. The Master of Ceremonies looked at Michelangelo’s work before releasing it to the public, and complained about the many naked figures. (Many years later another artist added some ‘undies’ over them so to speak). Michelangelo was not impressed with the complaint and painted the Master of Ceremonies likeness as Hades, god of the underworld. Complete with donkeys ears! When the MOC complained, the Pope backed Michelangelo.

Looking at the Sistine Chapel, there were some square patches that were not restored, so you could see the difference. The patches were almost black in comparison; we were surprised that anyone could see anything before! Candles with animal fat, fire smoke and cigarette smoke had all done their damage and made it all dark and dirty. With the restoration, everything is so bright and colourful – and other things came to ‘light’ as well. With the painting of the MOC, there is a snake wrapped around him. Before being restored, no one knew where the snake’s head was. After being cleaned, it turned out it was grabbing his crotch!

The rest of the walls had impressive works by artists such as Botticelli as well, and they were very nice too. I shouldn’t neglect them. The tour ended on the steps of St Peters Basilica (we had bypassed the line) and Nate and I left the tour and wandered in. The Basilica was rebuilt in 1506 over 150 years and can hold up to 60,000 people. We saw Michelangelo’s Pieta (the finished one) which is the only work of his that he signed. It is protected behind bulletproof glass after a crazy took to it with an axe or something. There were lots of sculptures and images of dead popes. The bronze canopy (that can only be used by the pope) is 90 tonnes and was made of the pilfered bronze from the Pantheon, the pirating bastards! I did a silent protest to the whole days shenanigans by dropping a fart there, and then we left to look at dead popes.

In the Vatican, the tombs are all underground so all you see are headstones. Boring! I wanted to laugh at dead people. St Peters tomb was there, as well as the last Pope – John Paul II. There were some people standing there paying their respects. A couple needed a kick in the head, as they were trying to induce themselves to cry - the histrionics. If it was genuine, fine, but they were such bad hamming actresses I wanted to sphincter them.

We were very much done with all things Catholic by then, so left and had a gelati from a place recommended by our tour guide. It was crap and I didn’t finish mine. We did some internet work, then showered and went out to dinner near Camp dei Fiori. After a meander around the neighbourhood, we ate at a lovely place with homecooked pasta and washed down with a litre of their delicious house red. Then we sat back at a bar in the square and had olives ad drinks, watching the passers-by.
I am happy with everything I have seen in Rome. The only regrets were that I didn’t have enough time to see the Titulus. Or the Chisea di Santa Maria della Concezione, which has a bizarre display of dead monks made into sculptures and lampshades etc.